It felt selfish in many ways to do a whole photoshoot for and about myself. To spend money on me in, what felt like, an extravagant way. To physically spend time away from family and my daughter. To take time and capacity away from my mental space and emotional heart space, space that could be used for my family and daughter, and instead point it towards me.
But it was worth it.
redemptive
I distinctly remember at one point during the shoot, baby girl needed to be nursed. Throwback to my previous post about nursing, nursing was, at this point, something we were still figuring out a rhythm for. But when baby girl’s got to eat, she’s got to eat. Rhythms figured out or not. So with the sun streaming in, me sitting on the floor and Chanel sitting across asking quiet questions about motherhood, I nursed baby girl. As we sat there, and in her gentle quiet voice, Chanel pointed out that it was only minutes before I had shared how nursing was the hardest part of motherhood for me. It was the bit that caused me the most anxiety, stress, and pain. And yet, here I was, sitting with Chanel, nursing baby girl while holding a conversation with her, and wasn’t there something beautiful and redemptive about that?
clarity
There were moments of such clarity. Of being able to lift my head from the fog of postpartum to take an inventory check on how I was doing. To take note of where I felt I was no longer able to see myself clearly and of letting myself fade away for the sake of my daughter. On one hand, this shift of sacrifice is a good and selfless thing to do; it’s part of becoming a parent. But on the other hand, it can become a dangerous slip into taking on an identity so much so that it is all I am and I lose my value as just me, regardless of my status as a mom.
There were moments and conversations about body and self image and those were some of the hardest. I had no answers for what I liked about myself – physical and otherwise. Were the things I said truly things I felt were true or were answers based on what I’d been told and had yet to fully internalize for myself?
Yet even the internal struggle was so telling of how I was. I would have told you in a heartbeat that I was fine with the changes in my body. And for sure, I am proud of what my body has done. In no sugar-coated words, it has carried and nourished a baby for 9 months, only to push her 7.5 lb body out of itself, to then continue to nourish her. Blood, sweat, tears, milk, and all. And also, I cannot say that these changes haven’t come without having to learn how to appreciate the new changes or how these changes have impacted my capacity in other ways – physical activity, exercise, etc. Being faced directly with how I was appreciating, and depreciating them, was clarifying.
reflection
And as the photos came back, they were such a helpful reflection to see that baby girl and I were bonding. That this mother-daughter connection was developing. For someone who struggled to feel connected with her daughter during the early stages of her life, this was the most helpful. To have a reflection of what I thought I was seeing, captured in its unaltered form.
These photos at first glance might feel like a selfish use of money, time, fill-in-the-blank, etc., but for someone who has the hardest time taking inventory of herself, they were a helpful forced pause to check in. To have someone else point blank ask me questions on how I was doing, the hard parts, the celebration bits, and to capture those in a reflective way for me? In a medium I can carry with me for all of the rest of my life? At a time when I was coming out of a dark season, to be able to reflect, be cared for, noticed, and celebrated? Worth it.
The images are more than just some smiles, happy faces, cute baby snuggles, and some bada** mom moments. They represent clarity and a continued journey towards clarity. They represent an opportunity for me to voice the thoughts and feelings that had been bottled up inside, now given space to process and share. They represent loving sacrifice, of husben to give me energy, resources, and time to do this without hardly a question as to the why.
They are images that I hope will remind me to pursue who the Lord has made me first and foremost, not letting the other beautiful-but not fully whole identities take over. And also images of baby girl’s cheeks, little feet, and sticking straight up hair that are just too perfect.
With joy & gratitude,
Val
PS: If you happen to find yourself in the Seattle area, may I encourage you to consider a #UniquelyMade session with Chanel? Whatever the season of you life you are in, whatever place you feel like celebrating or hiding, Chanel’s heart behind this series is of beauty and joy, and your story (the ugly too) will feel celebrated.
