When I first learned I was pregnant, and got over the immense shock that came with it, I was filled with aspirations of writing blog posts that could be “cool soon-to-be-mama” posts. Almost mommy blog, but not quite. Something that could lend itself towards the inevitable (sorry husben) mini-me and me outfits and decision making posts.
But then first trimester sickness (typically called morning sickness, mine I called all-day sickness) hit and my aspirations went from these cutesy blog posts to maybe an update for each trimester. When you only have 6:30AM to 9AM of good feelings, there are some other tasks that take precedence over my aspirations (aka Kindred & Co.). Then life chaos continued, and those aspirations flew out the window too.
And underlying all of this was a feeling that I could not write a blog post about being pregnant and pregnancy without inspiration, heart, and honesty. And, in all transparency, I have not been feeling too much heart or inspiration to write (especially one after months of not writing, my bad) about the experience.
But I’ve been hit with the inspiration-to-write bug and so here I am at 35 weeks (that’s 8 months if you’re more of a month person) sharing with you now about being pregnant.
As I share, I want to be super cautious about how I write about learning we were pregnant and being pregnant, because it is an incredible gift to be pregnant, to have had the pregnancy and support I have had so far, and all of this amidst a pandemic, great global loss, and heartache. I know there are many who desire pregnancy and a family, have experienced loss or infertility, and/or have had very difficult pregnancies. I do not want to come across as ungrateful for the experience I’ve had. I see and hear your stories and grieve with you and the challenges, struggles, and heartaches you’ve experienced.
However, I also want to be honest with my own experience, knowing that this is my story only, and each person’s story is unique and different. I would be speaking dishonestly if I were to write “it has been peaches and rainbows,” “I have loved the pregnancy experience,” “it has been such a joy to watch my body change,” and “I have felt great delight at each moment and change.”
My thoughts have more ranged from “I don’t like how my body is changing,” “I can feel my sense of freedom leaving,” “I just want to eat ____,” “I am not enjoying this” (mostly in relation to being sick all day), “I’m not sure I am ready for this” (pregnancy, motherhood, etc.), and “this wasn’t quite in my timeline.”
As someone who is on the petite size, the both gradual and sudden changes in body and gain in weight, the inability to wear clothes I love, and ultimately find a new sense of styling myself, has been hard. I have had multiple meltdowns, frantic shopping sprees, and experienced an overall sense of sadness at watching what I feel is an important part of how I identify and gain confidence shift and slip away. To be clear, I’m talking about a sense of style and how I dress myself, not my size; they’re just related since I can’t totallyyy replace my wardrobe entirely with maternity friendly versions of all my clothes (so says our budget).
As someone who has just started her own small business and only still figuring out how to navigate integrating healthy boundaries, how to expand and grow, and what next steps are, it has felt incredibly challenging to throw another complete unknown, like a baby, in the mix. I have spoken to and observed so many women who have since encouraged me that it’s possible, and I am so grateful for them and their words of wisdom. But I don’t know if the small nagging sensation of whether it’ll be possible will go away until much later.
As someone who loves her schedule, rhythms of life, freedoms to travel and be social (although this year hasn’t been much of that), knowing that someone is about to change all of that is hard. I am a selfish human and not ready to be selfless (not that I would ever be totally ready for that shift).
As someone who prides herself on remembering things, the number of things I have forgotten has been out of my mind frustrating. I have slowly learned to shrug it off when I have to go upstairs for the fifth time, but there are those days where it’s not so easy to do so.
Not to mention all the insomnia, sounding out of breath, heartburn, exhaustion at 8PM, weird hormone fluctuations, etc.
However, I have learned that while I may not enjoy pregnancy (and everything that comes with), I can appreciate pregnancy and the changes my body has been able to take on while still moving along at my almost typical pace of life.
I may not enjoy the current process, but I can look forward to the end outcome (aka baby girl).
I have learned to find the things that do bring joy and excitement and focus on those. I have learned to find excitement by observing my husben’s excitement and joy.
I have learned to be okay with not being okay and to be okay with not having the same pregnancy glow and excitement as other women may have. Which you might think “duh,” but is a lot easier said than done.
And because this post is already far longer than I had intended it to be, I’ll save “what has being pregnant in a pandemic been like” (short answer, a blessing and not fun simultaneously), and the moments of joy, finding a new style, etc., for another post or two. But here’s a little life update for you, and what it has been like, being honestly pregnant. 🙂
Thanks for reading along with me friend.
With joy,
Val